How to Play a Bound of Golf in Two Hours
If watching Sergio Garcia play golf doesn’t send you into furious fits of rage, lobbing a half-full beer at the television with each plaintive cry of “Just hit the freaking ball already,” then you’re in big trouble in this department. Face it, now that you’re married you just can’t disappear for five or six hours on a Saturday, return home exhausted and stinking of beer and goose crap, and expect a warm reception from the wife. But giving up golf altogether is just not an option. So, here are ten simple tricks to help you get on and off the links as quickly as possible.
1. Get out early. Find out when the course opens, and get that first tee time. Nothing guarantees a quick round like being the first on the course, and there’s a chance you’ll get home before she’s even awake.
2. Play in the rain. I used to love playing in the rain. The course empties out, the greens soften up, and everything within six feet becomes a gimme since everyone in your group just wants to get the hell off the course. Just remember, when the thunderstorms roll in, you should avoid swinging those lightning rods around your torso (especially the Big Bertha).
3. Get a like-minded foursome together. It only takes one guy to kill a speed round. The worst is the oblivious hack, the guy who takes several practice swings and stands over the ball for five minutes before launching a worm-burner into the trees. Make sure everyone in your group is on the same page.
4. No practice swings. How many times have you taken three perfect practice swings, and then when you swing for real you send a mattress-sized divot twirling down the fairway? Warm up with a few swings before your round, and that’s it. Practice swings are what driving ranges are for. And face it, putting is just blind luck, so all the practice strokes in the world won’t help you there.
5. Bring your “foot wedge” and “hand wedge.” Face it, you’re never going pro, but you’d still like to beat your buddies. Why risk losing two or three strokes in the trap or because you’re behind a tree? Just kick the ball clear when nobody’s looking. If you’re in a deep bunker where nobody can see you, pick the ball up and hold it in your right hand while you take a big swing. Just as you kick up a huge torrent of sand, toss the ball over your head and onto the green. Nice shot, Tiger.
6. Leave lost balls. Unless you can spot the ball from the edge of the tree line, or within reach of the shore, it’s gone. If the ball is obviously lost, take the penalty stroke. If there’s the slightest chance you could’ve found it, walk behind a tree and drop a new one covertly.
7. Learn the art of playing through. This one is a little tricky, and should only be utilized when it’s clear that you’re playing much faster than the people ahead of you and there are clear fairways ahead of them. You don’t want to just hit into them, and it’s hard to ask nicely when you’re screaming from the tee box. If there’s a sharp turn in the course, so you’re walking close by as they head down the next fairway, tell the group in front of you that your wife will kill you if you’re not home by lunchtime, and would they mind if you played through at the next par 3. Or, just skip ahead to the next tee when they’re hitting their approach shots (and yes, you would’ve sunk a twenty-foot birdie putt on the green you skipped, so just give yourself the birdie).
If you do happen to encounter unreasonable resistance to your playing through, here’s a good way to piss them off. When they’re putting on a par 3, stand on the tee box like you’re about to hit, but without a ball on the tee. Synchronize your fake swing with another guy in your group, who actually hits a ball safely into the woods at the same time. Then just yell, “Fore on the green!” and watch them scatter. It’s funnier if you’re drunk.
8. Don’t stop at the turn. Time moves at a completely different pace within the clubhouse than on the course. It’s like stopping for lunch at a highway rest stop. Before you know it, an hour has passed and you’ve still got half a hot dog and two Grandma’s Choco-Chip Cookies to eat. To avoid this time suck, just bring snacks with you and eat on the course.
9. Clean up your game. The better you play, the faster you play. Take something off your swing and just go for accuracy. Shorten your backswing, and leave the driver in the bag. And even if your accuracy doesn’t improve, you won’t have to trek as deep into the woods to get to your ball.
10. Play with clients during the week. This isn’t really a tip for playing faster, but if you cut out of work early, who gives a crap how long you’re out there? Plus, you can get them to pick up the tab. I would suggest you not push your luck, forgo that fifth round of beers in the clubhouse before you head home. Dinner’s waiting.COPYRIGHT © 2008 – 2009 All Sports PRO. All rights reserved.